For my wife.

Sara’s one of the only people that really reads this, so this entry is for her…

It’s been a tough 2012 so far. These past four months have been very difficult for me, and perhaps even more difficult for my wife.

Sara loves to cook, hang out with friends, eat, drink, and be merry. At the moment, my condition has gotten in the way of all of these things. I don’t feel like myself yet, and I worry about the toll that my illness is taking on our marriage. All she sees is me feeling sick, getting sad and weepy, not taking interest in our new puppy, talking about my symptoms all the time… I’m sure it’s incredibly frustrating for her. Even with interactions with friends, family members, acquaintances… my Crohn’s disease tends to dominate the conversation, as people ask her how I’m doing, or if we’re both together, people ask me about it and I tend to blather on…

On the one hand, I talk about my condition and symptoms partially in an effort to explain to people what’s going on with me to help them understand, and partially because I’m simply thinking out loud; the entire process has been one of trial-and-error, and I’m constantly trying to figure out what works for me and what doesn’t (diet, medications, supplements, and so on). On the other hand, if I deliberately try to NOT talk about it, it offers Sara some moments of reprieve; if I can feign some sense of “normalcy,” it’s probably great for her. (And sometimes, I actually do feel normal, and there are periods when I’m not thinking about Crohn’s all the time; this feeling has lasted anywhere from a few hours to a few days, and when it happens, it’s wonderful. Hopefully it alleviates things for her as well.) I don’t want to “fake it,” exactly — once I manage to get myself normalized and feeling good, I’m sure that much of this will fall into place. The trouble is, I don’t know how long this is going to take.

Is it “healthy” for me to bury my feelings and try not to think about my illness all the time? I don’t know. I’m trying to be as proactive as possible, trying to get it all under control as soon as possible, everything from diet to symptoms to mood… but I don’t know what’s working yet, and it’s hard to say if I’m overdoing it or not. Sara has insisted that I spend less time obsessing over support forums and messageboard communities, and I understand her feelings on this as I will admit that it’s certainly a double-edged sword. While certain forums contain a wealth of knowledge and a group of people that not only offer support, but who completely understand what you’re going through, horror stories and tales of despair also come with the territory. It’s easy to freak yourself out if you’re not in a healthy state of mind. Furthermore, the unfortunate nature of Crohn’s is that it affects everyone differently – although a support forum is great in that people can give you a general idea of what you’re in for and what could potentially help your symptoms, at the end of the day it’s mostly up to you (and perhaps your doctor) to figure it out for yourself.

I’m still at the beginning of my journey. I can only hope for remission to come quickly and last for a very long time. I want my wife to know that she has been amazing through this trying time, and that she doesn’t deserve to be dealing with all of this. It isn’t fair, and I know it.

I love you, Sara.

:’(

Please welcome Davis.

So, it’s been a busy couple of weeks in our family, thanks to a new addition to the household…

Meet Davis.



Davis is now almost nine weeks old, he’s a golden retriever/collie mix (there may or may not be some lab in there), he’s adorable (pro-tip: if you want a quick way to meet all of your neighbors, get a puppy), and he really likes chewing on things (as puppies are wont to do). He’s actually fairly well-behaved – he sleeps through the night in his crate, doesn’t bark much, is pretty close to being completely housebroken, and is friendly with people and other dogs. On the other hand, he can’t figure out why the cats don’t want to play with him, he constantly eats the cats’ food (we probably need to figure out some sort of new feeding system), he desperately wants to be up on the furniture (a habit we are trying to curtail), and he’s the WORST when it comes to going on walks. Actually, he’s fine once you get him two or three blocks away from the house, but before you get to that point, it’s nothing but resistance and protest. Which is fun for me, because I get to look like an asshole dragging a whining puppy down the street. I’ve taken to picking him up and carrying him the first block or two, just to “kick-start” the walk, but I can’t do that for long, as he’s probably going to be a big boy pretty soon. Hopefully this is something he’ll grow out of, but we’ve got nothing but time to figure it out.

What’s goin’ on.

Hello all.

It’s been a weird month. I turned 32, I’ve been slogging through my second-to-last course in grad school, I’ve been playing music with my friends (which has been awesome), I got an XBox 360 (thanks Sara!) and I’m coming to terms with having Crohn’s disease. So, yeah… ups and downs, I’d say.

My view of all of this has obviously been colored by Crohn’s, and adapting to life as a “crohnie.” The doctors say that my diagnosis is mild, and hopefully it’ll stay that way. Even though the disease is mild in my case, the symptoms feel like anything but, at least in the psychological sense. My wife has been an incredible source of support during this difficult time (and no, I’m not just saying that because of the XBox), and I love her all the more for it. (A couple of my friends have been amazing in this regard as well.) After a couple of weeks of being incredibly upset and moody (I’m guessing that it was partly genuine depression from feeling lousy and getting the diagnosis, and it was exacerbated by one of the medications I was prescribed), I seemed to have leveled out somewhat… or at least in the sense that I’m not hysterical and crying all the time.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’d say that 4-5 days on average are pretty good – I feel semi-normal, I’m in a decent mood, and I generally don’t think about my disease over the course of the day. I’m not even phased by the amount of pills I have to ingest on a daily basis anymore; I figure if it makes me feel better, then screw it, and I also know that the medication is pretty mild in comparison to the rest of the spectrum of drugs that treat IBD. (I’m basically taking what amounts to topical aspirin for the gut.) The trick is trying to figure out whether or not it’s having any positive effect, and I think it is… but on the remaining 2-3 days a week when I start to feel crummy, I start to worry and get depressed. It’s not a fun place to be, mentally.

But yeah, I’m gonna soldier on. (I guess I don’t have much of a choice, do I?) There are a lot of complimentary and alternative medicine options to try, and even though I know that none of it is going to be a silver bullet, it’s hard not to get ahead of myself and start thinking that the next thing I try could be the thing that helps me feel 100%. Diet, acupuncture, herbal supplements… it’s all on the list of things to try. On the one hand, I want to try everything RIGHT NOW and see if it works for me, but on the other hand, I have literally the rest of my life to figure this stuff out… so what’s the rush?

That aside, I managed to finish writing my final paper for Higher Education Law yesterday – I still have to look it over and make edits, but the bulk of the work is done. I still have to get through the rest of the week and read and contribute to the discussion boards, but I’m glad that it’s almost over. One more course after this and I’m done!

Playing music has been AWESOME. We have a practice space on the west side of the city and we’ve been playing once a week for the past month – songs are coming together, and everything about it has been really good for me. Even when I was feeling really rough, playing music pretty much guaranteed that I wasn’t thinking about anything else. I just think about the music and have fun. It’s awesome. I realize that sounds pretty hippy-dippy, but after not playing for so long and not feeling well, it has been a welcome change of pace. If we can keep progressing at the rate we’ve been going up to this point, I’m looking forward to playing some shows over the summer. We’ve decided to use the Snowplows name, but make no mistake – even though I’m bringing some songs to the table, this is a fully collaborative project, and everyone in the band is contributing songs and ideas. I actually find myself enjoying the songs I didn’t write even more than hearing my own songs with a full band. It’s all pretty great, I gotta say.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about the new XBox… did I mention that my wife is awesome?! I seriously thought I wouldn’t get this until I was done with school (and cut my hair!), so I do feel somewhat guilty when I play it while my law course is ongoing, but after this I’ll have a significant break until my final course starts in late May. Limbo is a gorgeous game (late to the party, I know), and even Sara really dug watching it while I played. Creepy, upsetting, and beautiful. Other than that, Forza 4 has taken up much of my time (it’s seriously amazing), and I also downloaded You Don’t Know Jack because I know how much Sara likes trivia and I thought she’d dig playing it with me… but she hated it! I thought she’d love it, but apparently she thinks there’s too much talking in the game and she finds herself annoyed by it. (She still plays along though, and we have to yell at her to not blurt out the answers when I have a friend over to play and she’s not playing. I’ll try not to be too hard on her though – she did buy the console for me, after all!)

Anyways, that’s what’s going on in my world. Sorry for not blogging in so long, but that should bring people up to speed somewhat. I’m trying to stay positive and stop looking up stuff online about Crohn’s (and/or stay off the forums – there’s a lot of useful information out there, but man is it upsetting). I want to educate myself and figure out what works, but I’m seriously bumming myself out! Music, videogames, and my awesome wife have certainly been welcome distractions. Now that school is about to let up for a while, I’ll try to keep my little corner of the internet updated a little more often. Thanks for reading!

Always something there to remind me.



I was feeling pretty good Monday through Wednesday… today, not so much. Just when you think you’re getting healthy, there’s a reminder that you’re sick.

Anyways, sorry about not updating for so long. I had a rough couple of weeks, and frankly, I wasn’t really feeling up to it. I don’t necessarily want this to become a “Crohn’s blog” or something to that effect… but hey, if it happens, it happens. I’ve been keeping up with work and school, and I’m looking forward to a nice birthday weekend with my wonderful wife. It’s just that things have been tough as of late, on and off. During moments of clarity, I am my normal, optimistic, happy self, but from time to time this disease and its effects will cloud my vision… and unfortunately, right now is one of those times.

Sick of being sick.

Hey there everyone, happy MLK Day. Hopefully you all spent it being decent human beings to one another. Then again, you should be doing that every day.

My wife is off at a Monday night karaoke night – not my particular idea of a good time, but hey, whatever floats your boat. I elected to stay in tonight, for a number of reasons; for starters, I don’t particularly enjoy karaoke, and I also need to get up and go to work tomorrow morning. But beyond that, even if I were so inclined to hit up a bar on a Monday night, I’m just not feeling all that well tonight.

For those of you who don’t know me personally (or even if you do), or for those of you who aren’t interested in reading about one particular man’s gastroenterological odyssey, you might want to stop reading now. Things might get a little gross.

Seriously, it’s cool. You can go. I’ll wait.

Alright, so for those of you who stuck around, you probably already know me and you probably already know about the fun I’ve been having with ulcers and stomach pain. Since my first visit to the hospital back in late May, I’ve had two endoscopies done, and I’ve revisited the ER twice in the middle of the night due to stomach pain. The first endoscopy revealed duodenal ulcers, while the second (fairly recent) visit indicated that I still had mild gastritis and duodenitis. Not quite sure why I ended up in the hospital for such severe pain the last time if my ulcers are gone, but I’ll be going back to the doctor for a follow-up next week, so hopefully I’ll know more by then. For right now, my stomach doesn’t hurt at all; these painful flare-ups occur somewhat randomly, and I’m not sure what triggers the episodes yet.

As a super-fun aside, my lower GI has decided to act up and make life a challenge. Which is great. I haven’t really felt quite right since the holidays, and the symptoms have come and gone (although things have been worse over the past week or so). Sometimes, everything is fine… other times, my guts are churning and cramping, my colon is twitching and spasming like crazy, and my generally pleasant disposition takes a noticeable dive. While I deal with this and wait to meet up with the gastroenterologist to discuss these problems, I’ve managed to fall into a Google black hole, looking up everything from causes to symptoms to treatments to what your excrement says about you (and don’t worry, dear reader – I won’t get into those kinds of details). According to the internets, I desperately need to either learn how to meditate OR have a majorly invasive procedure done, and in the meantime I should drink tons of water AND subsist solely on bananas, rice and probiotic supplements, and remember, LOWER YOUR STRESS LEVELS. FOR GOD’S SAKE, LOWER YOUR STRESS LEVELS. OR YOU WILL STRUGGLE WITH THIS HORRIBLE CONDITION FOREVER.

Ugh.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at. I think this bums me out mostly because everywhere I turn, the general consensus is that if I don’t have a bona fide, treatable cause for all of this (such as a virus or some sort of rogue bacteria or something), stress usually exacerbates these sorts of symptoms, and you need to lower your stress levels in order to start to feel better. That said, I know that this spring is going to be fairly tough on me, both due to school and work obligations. I’m starting to realize that I’ve put myself in a position where it’s going to be really difficult for me to simply “mellow out” and calm myself down in a general sense. I’ve always been wound pretty tight, but I’ve never had physical symptoms manifest themselves in this way before. (If that even has anything to do with anything, of course).

Meh. Such is life, I guess. I know that I should not be getting ahead of myself, but it’s easy to get discouraged. With any luck, I will have some better news in the coming weeks. Or something else to talk about, at the very least.

Date night!

First off, happy 2012 everybody!

Sara and I had a date night tonight – I figure I should get a couple in while I can before school starts. We hit up Kabob and Curry for a quick bite, then went to a movie across the street at the Avon. Dinner was tasty, and I had never been to the Avon before. It’s a really cool theater with an old-school vibe (which is understandable – I think it opened in the 1930′s); there’s even an old vending machine upstairs by the restrooms where you can get small candies for a quarter. It was a really cool experience, and the movie we saw definitely suited the vibe of the place.

We saw The Artist, and it lived up to all of the hype. For those of you who are perhaps living under a rock, the movie is a silent film about a silent film star (meta!) who is suddenly faced with rise of the “talkie,” and subsequently, his own waning popularity. I’m not going to get into the plot of the film, as I’m sure you could find hundreds of superior write-ups with a quick search, but I will say that it was absolutely fantastic. The cinematography, the score, the acting… all top notch. We don’t get out to the movies very often, so it was extra nice to see such a spectacular film when we finally managed to make it to the theater. If you have any interest in classic cinema (or even if you don’t, really), go out and see this one. Seriously.

So yeah… mattar paneer with basmati rice, beers, and a rad movie. Not bad for a Monday night. (However, note to self for future reference: Go easy on the beers if you’re headed directly to a movie.)

Avoid alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, and spicy foods.

I seriously don’t want this blog to turn into a platform to chronicle my seemingly constant health problems, but at the rate I’m going, that’s the direction we’re heading in, people. After a sleepless night filled with waves of agonizing stomach pain, I finally gave in and headed to the hospital around 5:30 this morning. Three hours, one IV, one new prescription and one small dose of morphine later, I was sent on my merry way. Laying off the booze for a few days (along with pretty much everything else, at least for today), and we’ll see what the gastroenterologist says when I visit her next week.

So yeah, I’m keeping a low profile today. Currently trying and failing to shake off a caffeine headache. The self-titled Violent Femmes album is on the turntable. My stomach isn’t killing me at the moment. Things could be worse.

In the event that I don’t put up a post tomorrow (and I probably won’t), I hope that you all enjoy your New Year’s Eve celebrations, and I’ll catch up with you guys in 2012!

Back from Wisconsin!

We made it back from Wisconsin! Sara and I headed out to visit her family and spend Christmas out there. A quick summary:

• It was awesome seeing family – all of Sara’s sibs, her grandmother and stepdad, and her aunt and uncle.
• I was pretty sick the whole time, that part sucked.
• Despite having gut problems, I still managed to enjoy the food and drink in moderation (even though I missed out on the first night’s Christmas meal that Sara and Tiff whipped up… but fortunately for me, there were leftovers).
• We drove up north to Neillsville and spent Christmas eve up there – it was a really nice visit, which made the six hours in the car worth it.
• I scored the new Murakami book (1Q84 – it’s awesome so far), a gift certificate to Olympic Records in Providence, and TWO super-fresh pairs of Adidas hi-tops. Sweet!
• Due to tummy issues, I did not get out to any bars or restaurants while I was in Madison, which has to be a first. So aside from family, I didn’t see any Madison friends, but I guess that means I’ll just have to head back there in the near future when I’m feeling better!
• All in all, an enjoyable and successful trip. Can’t ask for much more than that.